Zombie Cat Shit
You should care. Really, it is in your best interest to give a damn. Because, if you don’t then it says you don’t care where you land, or what conditions you have to live under.
My life was once more interesting. That is to say, I was much happier once upon a time. There was a level of satisfaction, and accomplishment to my life.
That has been taken from me. The life you have matters. How are you living these days? Are you content? Are you satisfied?
Perspective is everything. Much can be said about being content with what you have, many have expounded upon the virtues of being grateful for what you have.
What makes life worth living? What do you expect from your life, that makes the difference between living a good life, and a living death? What quality do you expect from your life, to make it enjoyable, and worthy of living?
One could say, that quality is everything. Some people, are content with mediocre, and perfectly content with any existence they are given. Are you one of those people?
What makes your life valuable, what gives you meaning and purpose in your life? Would you like to know what life could be like?
My aspirations were great. There was much that I demanded from myself. To be honest, I expected nothing less than perfect from myself. It was because there is the value of quality that makes my life feel worthy of living. Not so much the quantity, but the quality really matters.
Life can change. Before you know it. You should care. It is your life we are talking about, your future we are talking about. My future is here now; and to be honest, it is not great.
If you didn’t like the way you smell, you would want to change it, right? But what if you didn’t like your life? How could you change your life for the better? I will let you in on a secret.
Life is meant to be lived. You’re supposed to be happy and content with being physically active, by having friends, working a decent job, and making a nice life for yourself. Much can be said, for being creative, and thinking. That is what most people, in my mind want to do.
Let me tell you a story.
Five Years Ago
It was five years ago that I broke up with my girlfriend. Woke up one morning, and moved my stuff out of her house, went back to live with my mother. It seemed like the only option at the time. Looking at it now, neither option would have been a winning solution. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
You see, sometimes in life there is no winning. Sometimes, you have to make a choice and live with the choices you make. Make good choices, and you often get good results. Make bad choices, and you often get bad results.
It was a good choice to leave my girlfriend. Moving back in with my mother, was the only option I had. Dynamics are an important thing; damage them, and you will regret ever being born.
My relationships have been damaged for so long, there is no repairing them. Try as I may. When people like you, they see the best in you. When they don’t like you; they see the worst in you.
I wanted people to see some good in me. It was necessary to have some love in my life. And sometimes, you have to give a bit of yourself to gain their love. Love is give and take, never take more than you need; and always give more than you take.
It is really simple, if you want to be loved; you have to give something people want. Well, you have to have something people want to start with. What could a person have besides money, or social status that people would want?
A poor man, has fewer options in life. A poor man, has fewer friends in life. That reduces the money, and the social status factors a great deal. Seems, good people are not enough in today’s society. They want more. You have to be special. You have to have some quality that makes you stand out, makes you shine, and gives them a feeling of being alike. People like others like themselves. They can identify with that. That gives them some sense of kinship, and understanding to go with it.
That is why, having a job, being married, and having offspring matter. Because that is what most people have, and do with their lives. So they want to identify with that.
If you took a normal person, and put them into my life for a day; they would loose their minds after four hours. They would have no idea how to deal with it. My life is so far removed from normal peoples existence, they don’t understand it. Most people, would never make it a week in my shoes. Let’s look at what a normal day looks like for me.
Normal
10:30 Wake up.
Put on a pair of pants and shirt, walk downstairs and smoke a cigarette on the back patio. Often barefoot. Walk back into the house, and go to the fridge, get a cup of coffee that has been placed by the coffee fairy, and walk back upstairs to my office.
Take sip of coffee, and use the restroom. Login to computer, check email, which there is never any real messages from anyone in my inbox. The usual rubbish, junk mail. Look at the New York Times website, and read the news headlines. Open the latest earthquake page, and look at that. Look at the Yahoo page, the headlines, the horoscope, and the inbox.
Look at my blog, and look to see if there is any traffic today? Not much, nearly zero. Open Instagram, try not to read the poetry until I drink more coffee. Walk down stairs, smoke another cigarette. Come back up stairs, have a sip of coffee. Change the music on Apple Music, and open my journal.
Write in my journal how miserable I am being like this. How the isolation does me harm, how the pain won’t go away, and how no one seems to give a damn. Of note, is that I have kept my journals everyday for almost ten years, every single day there was access to my computer, I have written in my journals.
Go make my bed up. Put on a pair of pants, pick socks from the closet, and turn the light off. Take meds, put socks and shoes on. Go smoke another cigarette. Getting back upstairs, look at Instagram again, take sip of coffee.
Read something from Medium, and maybe Brain Pickings. Time passes, and coffee is almost gone. Put cologne on, get keys, close door, and go downstairs to get Mums to go for second cup. Drive the speed limit, which is 25 miles an hour, to Starbucks, wait in line, and get more coffee. Return home, smoke cigarette, go back up stairs, open web browser to look at the news, and the earthquake page. Look at Instagram again.
Get something to eat, either a granola bar, or yogurt. Smoke a cigarette. Drink coffee.
A lot of laying on the sofa, looking at Instagram. Nothing to do but listen to music, and think silently to myself.
Eat supper, alone at my desk. Smoke cigarette. Up and down the stairs twenty-seven times a day, going to smoke a cigarette, and coming back upstairs. Sitting at my desk, or laying on the sofa in the loft at the top of the stairs. Much time, has been spent on the sofa.
Write in journal about my day. About the isolation of the day, and how nothing ever changes. Spend hours on the sofa, listening to music, and going to the desk to write something down.
Midnight
Go to smoke the days last cigarette, take my shoes and socks off, lock the computer, and close the door to the office. Go to bed with the light on, lay in bed for two hours trying to go to sleep, sometimes, I fall asleep. Wake up, take meds, and seriously go to sleep.
Rinse and repeat; day in and day out. For Five years.
Of note, there is no one that comes to see me. No one really calls me. No one writes. I have no companions. People don’t read what I write, my Instagram account gets three likes. And Facebook sucks.
It is very peaceful. They say appreciate what you have. What I don’t have, is a job, a girlfriend, or any friends. What I don’t have is the ability to have my teeth fixed when they are broken off at the gum lines, and rotting in my skull. What I don’t have is the ability to change my life. What I don’t have is a quality of life, that makes living worth living. If I were to exit existence, no one in this world will ever miss me. They could not give a shit. No one cares.
Wonder how you would enjoy the quality of life I have? If this were all you could do, and you could not change anything about your life, or the way things are going, would you enjoy it much? How many months or years could you do this, before you loose your mind? Try sitting alone, thinking to yourself for a few hours each day. See how much thinking to yourself is enough?
Aspirations
At this point, I want to make this a blog post. Yet, I will continue to write, as though it were going to be a book. I have dreams, and goals. I want to do a lot more with my life, then aspire to drink coffee, and smoke cigarettes. I had dreams, of doing something great, that changes the world for the better.
The truth is: they don’t want people to change the world. They want everyone to be content with mediocre existence. They don’t want anyone that makes life better, that isn’t for people like me to do, they don’t like it when I talk about making the world a better place. They say, my ideas are grandiose.
I aspired to have ideas, that would blow your mind. I wanted friends that like ideas, and talked about things that matter.
I has aspirations to work again, someday. I had dreams of taking photographs, and having photoshoots, and people to work with. I aspired to make short films, and make music for the videos. I dream of writing a book. I dream of going rock climbing again, or riding a bicycle again. I dreamed of making art, and photography with my creative skills.
I’ve become talented in web design, and can code my own website. It is all treated as worthless; as though, I am of no account. Maybe, its because I am poor, and friendless?
I aspired to have some money, and die broke. I dreamed of having a better life. Where I could have my teeth fixed if I need them to be repaired. I dreamed of being able to afford coffee, and cigarettes, and it not take every last dime I have to exist on.
I dreamed of eating one good meal, everyday of the week. I dreamed of having the money to afford a vacation, and going somewhere once in a while. I’ve not traveled past the road to get coffee, in months. And I’ve not driven faster than 25 miles an hour for months on end.
I had dreams of riding a motorcycle. Of doing stuff that people would think was dangerous. I want to jump out of an airplane at high altitude. I want to dance in a music hall again. I want to sing, and play an instrument. I want to do something dangerous for the thrill of it. Just for kicks.
I’m bored, lonely, and tired of the zombie cat shit. But how can I change my life? No one will spend time with me, no one will talk with me. I feel like, I am held in utter contempt by everyone that knows me.
I’ve self published four books, never sold one copy. At this point, no one would buy this text, even if I wrote a whole book about the subject. I have a lot to say about the subject; seems, no one cares. Pity, it could be you and your life we’re talking about. Wonder how you would like it, if you were reduced to living my life? You would loose your mind. I did.
Skill And Talent
I’ve worked for years to develop skill and talent at writing, in photography, web design, art, poetry, some videos, and music. It is all treated as worthless trash. They don’t give a shit about skill, effort, or talent. It is useless and worthless to them. They only care about the fact you live a dull, boring existence in the conditions they want. I call this, Zombie Cat Shit.
They want a warm sack of shit, a human cat. That does nothing more than eat, and shit. Pity. I feel this statement to be true: “The only meaning you will find in life, is if you mean something to someone else.” Through all my skills, effort, and talent, I wanted to mean something to someone else. It seems, I’m worthless and useless. I’ve failed. God rest my soul.
You should be content with what you have; and I can say, “The coffee and cigarettes are the finest.” However, I aspired to mean something to someone else. Appreciate what you have, while you got it. Do something that makes people care, and love you.